Home > Ask Our Experts > Partner is too 'Controlling' & Earns More: How Do I Leave?

Partner is too 'Controlling' & Earns More: How Do I Leave?

By: Emma Jones - Updated: 18 May 2016 | comments*Discuss
 
Leave Partner Controlling Friends Family

Q.

I have been living with my boyfriend for nine years - he is very controling and has other problems. He owns the house and pays the bills because he's got the better wage. I sometimes get so upset that I want to leave but if I do I will be homeless. I had a house and I sold it to move in with him and gave him what little money I had to help with his problems. I also left my family to move 200 miles to be with him. What will I do if I need to leave?

(C.E, 21 May 2009)

A.

The first thing you need to remember is that however difficult or hopeless the situation seems right now, there is always a way out. It can be easy to feel stuck and helpless and decide that the easiest option is to just stay where you are but this is not going to make things get better. The fact you have got in touch means that you are serious about wanting to leave and you are not happy and that it is and admitting that to yourself is an important first step.

You say that your boyfriend is very controlling and that you moved a long way from your family to be with him. Because of this you are probably feeling quite isolated and unsure who to turn to. Controlling partners often cut off other sources of support so that you feel like you only have them to turn to. You don’t. You need to start building up your confidence and re-establishing contact with friends and family so that you have people around you that care.

Unfortunately, financially, you are in a bit of a tricky situation. Although you sold your house and gave your partner your money, if everything is in his name then you do not have a legal right to claim it. Even though you have been living together for 9 years you do not have the same rights as a married couple and it will be difficult for you to claim any assets. It is still worth talking to a lawyer as they may be able to help you but you cannot rely on it.

In terms of leaving him, it probably all feels quite impossible but you need to take practical steps towards doing it. Is there a friend or family member you could stay with? Can you put a bit of money aside so you have something to live on? Instead of concentrating on leaving him now, as much as you may want to, start planning for a few months’ time. It’s not going to be easy but that is no reason not to, as once you have left you can start rebuilding your life and plan for the future.

You might also like...
Share Your Story, Join the Discussion or Seek Advice..
[Add a Comment]
Beekeeper - Your Question:
Hi,My partner and I are both currently going through divorces with our respective wife and husband. My partners situation is somewhat complicated as she has a young son and although she is keen to move on from her husband, he is putting up every barrier he can to stop the sale of the house.He is very controlling in every aspect of her life, blocking calls on her mobile phone and the house phone, determining what she wares, who she sees etc. Although he has never been physically violent towards her he is constantly verbally aggressive and now it is impacting upon their son.We both want to move on so that we can buy a property together. Can her husband be forced to sell the marital home? It is not a healthy environment either for her or her son. He husband has said that the house will only go on the market at the top end of the price and he will not negotiate. Even if he is offered top price and has not found a "suitable" property he has stated that his intention is to withdraw from the sale.He is a good father to his son and part of this issue is that he feels he will loose control over his son, which he will to a degree but he will still have reasonable access to him.We both feel rather trapped by the situation,mins there any way through this?

Our Response:
If your partner and her husband are going through a tricky time, then one solution would be to agree that one moves out temporarily until a more long-term solution has been reached. However, if neither will move out, which is understandable (as once a person moves out they may end up losing certain rights), then your partner may wish to seek some legal advice regarding taking the matter to court and letting the court decide. There are several options here, that a solicitor would be best to advise on. One which is Mediation. If her husband refuses to attend Mediation, then court is the follow-up option. If your partner is the primary carer of her son, then there is a possibility she may be allowed to stay in the property and manage the sale herself, as the court will always decide what is in the best interests of the child and his stability will be deemed of paramount importance. If her ex is allowed to stay in the property, then your partner should ask the court to stipulate a time when the house should be sold by and give her the option that if he doesn't then she can refer the matter back to the courts. However, your partner will need to be aware, this kind of court hearing does cost.
RelationshipExpert - 24-Feb-16 @ 1:51 PM
Hi, My partner and I are both currently going through divorces with our respective wife and husband. My partners situation is somewhat complicated as she has a young son and although she is keen to move on from her husband, he is putting up every barrier he can to stop the sale of the house. He is very controlling in every aspect of her life, blocking calls on her mobile phone and the house phone, determining what she wares, who she sees etc. Although he has never been physically violent towards her he is constantly verbally aggressive and now it is impacting upon their son. We both want to move on so that we can buy a property together. Can her husband be forced to sell the marital home? It is not a healthy environment either for her or her son. He husband has said that the house will only go on the market at the top end of the price and he will not negotiate. Even if he is offered top price and has not found a "suitable" property he has stated that his intention is to withdraw from the sale. He is a good father to his son and part of this issue is that he feels he will loose control over his son, which he will to a degree but he will still have reasonable access to him. We both feel rather trapped by the situation,mins there any way through this?
Beekeeper - 23-Feb-16 @ 3:31 PM
Kat - Your Question:
I don't work as I look after the kids 6 and 4, and my husband controls all the money and bills from his earnings. I don't love him any more and have asked for a divorce I also asked could I see the bank accounts and how much we have in them he says I am not entitled to as the money is his because he's earned it. Where do I stand?

Our Response:
As you are married, all property and money is deemed to be jointly owned, regardless of whether you are working or not (don't forget you have been bringing up the children, which is supportive of the relationship). If you wish to pursue your separation, I suggest seeking some legal advice regarding your options. If you do not have current access to your finances, you can obtain legal advice via the CAB. Please see link here. I hope this helps.
RelationshipExpert - 17-Sep-15 @ 12:21 PM
I don't work as I look after the kids 6 and 4, and my husband controls all the money and bills from his earnings. I don't love him any more and have asked for a divorce I also asked could I see the bank accounts and how much we have in them he says I am not entitled to as the money is his because he's earned it. Where do I stand?
Kat - 16-Sep-15 @ 12:03 PM
Share Your Story, Join the Discussion or Seek Advice...
Title:
(never shown)
Firstname:
(never shown)
Surname:
(never shown)
Email:
(never shown)
Nickname:
(shown)
Comment:
Validate:
Enter word:
Topics
Latest Comments
Further Reading...
Our Most Popular...
Add to my Yahoo!
Add to Google
Stumble this
Add to Twitter
Add To Facebook
RSS feed
You should seek independent professional advice before acting upon any information on the RelationshipExpert website. Please read our Disclaimer.