Dealing with Obsessive Ex-Partners

When a relationship breaks down some people can find it very hard to move on, especially if they had not wanted the relationship to end. While the odd pining love letter or pleading phone call can be annoying to the person that ended the relationship and perhaps upsetting for the other person, when the behaviour becomes more aggressive or demanding, additional help is required.

It is important to be able to distinguish between the behaviour of an ex-partner who is just going through the natural process of an emotional break up and the destructive behaviour of an obsessive ex-partner. To be able to determine which category your ex-partner fits into, you need to ask yourself if you feel intimidated by their behaviour. Unless you are overly sensitive, or have additional emotional issues that do not allow you to enjoy normal, healthy relationships, the ‘intimidation question’ is an important benchmark.

The Intimidation Question

Women’s magazines love to give out emotional advice that may sound like the right thing to do, but, in practise, may be totally over the top. What you would actually do in a situation is often a far more diluted approach than the magazines would suggest. Rather than leap in and say that your ex-partner is obsessive, think about what they are doing and how they are making you feel. Think about this in real terms, rather than what you think you should feel – this is your issue and it is for you to feel comfortable with the resolution. While it is important to ask for advice from third parties – friends, family and counsellors – it is your true opinion that counts the most. You did love this person once, so tread carefully.

If you feel that any of your ex-partner’s behaviour is making you feel intimidated in any way, then you need to take this matter seriously and decide on a course of action.

Set Boundaries

Once you have confirmed to yourself that you are not comfortable with your ex-partner’s behaviour, you need to think about setting some boundaries. These boundaries relate to what behaviour is and is not acceptable, in your view. It does not matter if this is not the view of people around you, although it is helpful if you have the support of your friends and family, as long as you are sure that this is how you feel.

The boundaries you can set need to relate to the current behaviour of your ex-partner. If, for example, they often call you late at night after they have been drinking, do not pick up the phone. The more you engage in a conversation, regardless of the outcome of that conversation, the more you are allowing that behaviour to continue. This is what psychologist call ‘enabling’, as your behaviour is enabling the other person to continue with their negative behaviour.

When you set boundaries, stick to them. No late night texts or quick drink ‘to talk’. The more you show that you are not prepared to enable their behaviour, the more likely they are to get bored and stop. You can either tell your ex-partner of your new rules, or just behave that way. Sometimes spelling out ‘rules’ can have a negative effect and make you look childish. Just change your enabling behaviour.

Talk to Friends and Family

Having someone you trust to talk to is a very important part of dealing with an obsessive ex-partner. A major problem for those in this situation is the feelings of isolation and lack of communication that can be manipulated by the ex-partner. On-line forums and social networking sites can be a useful source of support, but a non-judgemental friend can be invaluable. If you feel as though you can trust them to not gossip about your predicament, confiding in a good friend or member of your family can allow you to get another perspective on this difficult situation.